Good, Giving, and Game

If you are on dating apps like Tinder or OkCupid, or more sex-focused apps like Feeld, you might see in some profiles the letters GGG. GGG stands for Good, Giving and Game. This is a term generally attributed to the popular sex and relationship podcaster and columnist- Dan Savage.

In more detail GGG is explained as “Good”- meaning you have put thought and time into learning sexual skills and techniques; “Giving”- meaning that you want to give pleasure; “Game” meaning that you are up for trying almost anything (or at least opened to being asked).- Maze Women’s Sexual Health Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LSW 

I needed to write something with G for the title and this is what came to mind. I have always thought I was GGG. And I certainly seek partnerships or sexual relationships with other people who are. But last summer when Dex and I broke up, he was having some serious feels and he told me, “For someone who is so sex-driven, you just lay there…” There was more and he has since told me he should never have said those things, they weren’t true and he was just lashing out. (We’re back together and still having sex, so it couldn’t have been too bad! LOL) But when he said that it really gave me pause.

Was I slacking in one of my “G’s”? Was I not putting in my fair share of effort into our sexual relationship? That bothered me because I AM a very sexual person. I love sex and my sexual relationships. So what gives? I talked to my BFF about it at the time and she reassured me, “He is just lashing out, having feelings because you are going to Berlin to see Stefan and you are breaking up.” But obviously, she is not in our bedroom with us, so while she was helpful and reassuring, I still felt like I needed to do some introspective thinking.

I realized, he may have had a point. Our sex life had stagnated quite a bit. We had some hurts around sex that we had not really discussed and definitely hadn’t resolved. This of course colored our willingness to adjust and even our desire to connect. Our drives are mismatched, I would prefer to have sex much more often than we were having then. Also, our sexual experience and willingness to experiment and play are very mismatched. I would say he is a pretty typical man from the US. I find, in this relationship, I fall into the category of so many women who wish there was some/more foreplay. Now let me say- this time around it is so much better! He is paying more attention and trying more things- we have been a lot more open and honest with each other about what we actually need in the bedroom- so our sex life is a lot better. We still have a mismatch in those basic things, but his willingness to do new things has increased and what I need has been easier for me to express. I think these days he would not feel like he did then. PHEW!

BUT, in my introspection, I realized that some things I REALLY enjoy, some things I do with a few of my partners are very much done TO me. I AM a bit of a pillow princess. I really like it when my partner takes charge. I am unlikely to be the one who switches positions, and I am unlikely to be the one to initiate something new in the moment. I am probably following my partner’s lead. I like it that way. Some of my kinkier pleasures are definitely things done to me. If you have read any of the Sex Scientist Stories, which are based on my real sex life with Berlin boo, Stefan, you probably know I love fisting, toys, and receiving anal.  Our usual opening line to start our sexy times is something along the lines of “What should we put in you today?” I lay back and let him do what he pleases. It’s glorious! We don’t make out, we don’t do most of the traditional things many people would consider essential to having a sexual relationship. Beforehand we connect by hanging out together naked and talking, and when we’re done we lay next to each other, still naked, snuggle, and talk some more. I do love it.

Maybe my pure enjoyment to “be done to” has colored my feelings or maybe it’s dampened my inclination to assert myself and hold up my end of the Giving part of GGG. If I am not being asked to be Game, or try new things or do the things I honestly enjoy so much, maybe I am not giving back as much as I would be if I felt more fulfilled? If I felt my partner was giving to me too? This recently came up in my mind because of my relationship with NRE Guy. He is an amazing lover. I would say he is totally the first two G’s without a moment’s hesitation! I don’t know him well enough to know if he is the last G (Game)- but honestly, he has reminded me what sex with a good, caring, giving and experienced lover is like.

We have only been dating for about a month, but already I’ve noticed that I want to please him. I want to give him pleasure. I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel. I find myself asserting myself to do things for him, to him, and enjoying every minute of it. He is also very good at telling me exactly what makes him feel good so I can do that for him. He asks me, where is the best place to touch you, and how much pressure? What do you like? There is a lot of time taken by both of us to ensure the other person is experiencing all the sensations, that we both have the opportunity to enjoy as much pleasure as possible in each encounter. There is no rush to PIV (penis in vagina), there is time, energy, and space given to exploring and getting to know each other’s bodies and how they experience our touches. I KNOW I am Giving in this relationship because I think about it, I make sure I am doing it, he makes me feel so good, how could I NOT want to make him feel just as amazing in return?

So, I guess what I have learned is that how GGG I am, (maybe this applies to other people too,) has more to do with the intimate exchange between two specific people in a relationship, than just wanting to be GGG. I always want to be GGG, but if the kind of sex I am having just doesn’t leave room for Games or Giving (and receiving) then maybe I just can’t be. I don’t think I am going to let myself feel bad about that either.

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What do you think about being GGG?

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