Psst, come here, I am going to tell you a secret. Come closer, sit down beside me so I can whisper in your ear, because it’s something I’m ashamed of and I don’t want to say it too loudly, lest word get out on the internet or some such thing…
“I am THAT girl.”
What girl you ask? You know, THAT one. The one who thinks way too much, who ponders every sentence, every punctuation mark, every text, every phone call, every bit of communication. I analyze it, decide what it means, rarely asking the owner of that communication for clarification, because I did the analysis, so I already know what it means.
You know the girl who knows that her boyfriend is steeped deep in the emotional turmoil of a new separation and possible pending divorce, so outwardly she is chill about the fact that she hasn’t heard from him in days, but inside, she is sure that he’s going to break their relationship off. Sure that he doesn’t have the time or energy for their relationship. The innocent texts he sends to say “…maybe we can see each other…” must mean he is just trying to appease her, they cannot actually mean he is trying to rearrange his schedule to make good on a promise to “see you before you leave Berlin.”
She knows he would never break up with her in a text, he was appalled when her other boyfriend did that and held her tightly and apologized on his behalf, it bothered him so much. So, if he can only come for a quick night, he must be coming to break up with her in person, right? She knows since he isn’t communicating with her much it must mean their doom. Right?
She also knows this is utter horse-shit and she needs to let her brain chill. But despite those mental protests she texts her friend, “Mark my words, he won’t see me before I leave.” Or “I know he just isn’t feeling it anymore…” Despite the fact that when he does communicate, he is clear about being there for her the best he can. He knows he isn’t the “best boyfriend” right now and he is sorry, but she should know he is still here for her and cares about her very much.
I am also THIS girl; the one who totally glows because he texted her both from the airport before he left London on his way home to Germany, and when he arrived to let her know he was safe. He also texted twice the day before to tell her about his business trip and check in with her before he went to sleep. So, now she falls asleep thinking to herself, “See! He really does love me!”
I really hate being both of these girls. I want to be the one in between. The one who easily trusts the words of her lover. The one who recognizes that he hasn’t ever gone back on them or given her false hope. He is true to his word, always. The thing is, 78% of the time, I am the chill, relaxed, open, comfortable, trusting, easy-going girlfriend. I am not THAT girl, until I am! Usually late at night, when I am tired, or stressed, or maybe have my period or am ovulating… then this insecure girl comes forward and takes over for long enough to make me crazy, then recedes back into the darkness until next time. How do I make her go away forever?
Last night, a phone call, actually hearing his voice. He said “I really want to see you.” How can I not know it’s true? Chances are good I’ll see him this weekend. Heart all a flutter! I KNOW this is real, why can’t I sustain the feels?
Tonight a message that this weekend is a no-go, but maybe next week, but only around another errand here, no plans just because he wants to see me. Sad, insecure, unable to believe it all.
My primary love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. You can see from that how this stress might come about. I need to hear his words tell me he loves me and wants to be with me. I need his time (at least some of it) devoted to me. THIS is how I get myself into this tizzy.