Kink or No Kink


When I lived in Berlin I purposely set out to learn as much about my own sexuality, kink, and the things I wanted for my sex life as I could. Up until that point in my life, I had always been relatively “square.” I had periods where I was having sex with more than one man at a time, dating around, but mostly I was hoping to meet ‘the one,’ get married, and have babies. But that didn’t work out as I had planned and the first time I arrived in Berlin I was 43 and realized that this was a place I could learn a lot about sex and relationships. Things I had never been exposed to before. My Berlin Beau Stefan, introduced me to polyamory that one month I was there. I spent the next 9 months before I moved back to Berlin to spend the next two years, thinking about what polyamory could mean to me, how I felt about it, and what I thought I wanted from it once I settled in one place again. In the back of my head, I knew I could follow the same process and explore sexual things there too.

I moved back and started to figure out how to do polyamory logically, not just in idea form. Once I felt like I was making progress. So then I turned to learn more about the things I wanted sexually. I knew from the beginning that part of my polyamory practice would always be that I would have not only romantic relationships, but I wanted to be able to form casual sexual connections whenever it felt good for me to do so. I generally find I have a higher sex drive than most of my partners, so being able to have “random Tinder dates” was always going to be important to me.

Another thing I knew I wanted was to have sex with women. For as long as I can remember, I have thought about women when I masturbate and had wanted to have sex with women. I would say I am definitely more interested in the sexual aspect of a relationship with a woman than a romantic one. Figuring out how to manage that one was a bit more challenging. Until I met Tony. He was definitely a random Tinder date guy and we enjoyed playing around very much. Then one late night he called and asked if he could come over and bring his friend Frederica.  Uhm YES! I was super nervous but so excited. That night went smoothly and before I knew it I was Tony’s third whenever he was dating a woman who was willing to have a threesome. Those were a fun few months.

After Tony and I lost touch (I think he started dating someone more seriously) I found a website that was definitely for sexy hook-ups. That allowed me to connect with other couples and potentially explore other sexual adventures. I met two or three couples who I saw semi-regularly. Believe me, when you are a solo woman who is willing to hook up with couples looking for a third, it’s like you’re the Golden Egg! A Unicorn! It was fun. Really fun.

At the same time, I was thinking more about kink. There were things I had fantasized about and now I was in the place where I really thought I could discover if I liked those things in real life. Again, for a long time, I had dreamed about being submissive. I usually fantasized about women in those dreams, but now that I was having sex with other women pretty regularly, I was willing to and wanted to explore this type of dynamic with a man. I was fortunate to meet Benjamin. This was a relationship that lasted close to three years in various iterations. But especially in the beginning, we both wanted to explore a D/s style relationship. This was bedroom only, not really a lifestyle, though sometimes it would bleed over and that could be fun too.

He was a “student” of how to be a good Dom and what kink meant. He worked hard at understanding kink in general, and for us. I appreciated that as I was learning what being submissive meant to me as well. He also was a sadist and that worked out quite well for my masochistic side really wanted to come out and play too! I remember when we first talked about spanking and face-fucking, he went online and read about how to do these things safely and effectively. He sent me videos and articles and asked my opinions. Whenever I saw him we played and practiced and talked and I so enjoyed this aspect of our relationship.

My relationship with Stefan evolved into one that has an unwritten D/s thing. He does what he wants to me and I let him. During this time he also introduced me to sexual things I never even knew existed let alone had tried yet. Things like squirting and fisting and really incorporating toys. There are so many stories on this blog about my unconventional sex life with him. (Check out The Sex Scientist Files) It didn’t start that way, but as I became more comfortable with being such a sexual being and exploring sex on my own terms, I was able to have better discussions with my partners, and together we created these relationships that really worked for us.

I took my sexual liberation, my sexual confidence, and my sexual curiosity with me when I left Berlin and moved to Medellin. I met Said, who was not only already a swinger so he understood where I was coming from when I described polyamory to him, but he was not caught up in the traditional sexual values of the Latino man and was instead super curious and willing to explore. I taught him all the things I enjoyed and he thrived in enjoying them with me. He was a percussionist so he could use his hands to spank me, and spank me, and spank me. He discovered his inner sadist and we both enjoyed the impact play that followed. There were lots of nights, totally high and drunk on wine that we probably let the neighbors know way more about us than they should have known.


So that brings us to the No Kink portion of this post. Since moving back to the US, there has been no kink. My bottom drawer has not been opened for anything more than the curiosity factor since I put the dresser in the bedroom. The paddles, riding crop, Wartenberg wheel, nipple clamps, masks, body markers, extra large dildo, and dripping candles sit there forlorn and lonely. Both my anchor partner and my new guy are pretty vanilla. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally enjoying what that means to us and exploring all the delicious ways we can please each other without all the accessories. But that doesn’t mean I don’t also miss the kink too.

I really would love a good therapeutic spanking. One where I am spanked until all the emotion I am storing up is released and I just cry and cry; my partner holding me until I am spent. THEN we can move on to some extra sexy impact play. I would love to enjoy a sexy sadist hurting me in all the good ways. A delicious Dom taking control in the bedroom. I am fortunate that my Friends With Benefits is very open to and even enjoys playing with toys, the BIG ones included! That at least allows me to partake in some of the things I love.

But right now, the kink just isn’t there. I am even unsure how to find the right people, the kinky people, near me. I am closing in on the swinger crowd, have a few leads, but the kinksters are still eluding me. This is NOT Berlin! There is no sexy hookup site and FetLife is not much help either. People here are more prone to hide their vices than proclaim them. Sex, drugs, alcohol- it’s all done in secret because we don’t do THOSE things! I mean, we do, we just don’t talk about it. It’s like Bruno!

So, I keep looking. I keep hoping. I keep talking with new people about their kinkiness and seeing if there is a match there. I am content in many ways with what I have, but I think there will always be a longing to be able to continue to explore that aspect of my life. Fingers Crossed!

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