The words of the Five Love Languages
A post with a title like this- would usually be posted on the E.L. Byrne blog. It’s more about relationships than sex- and this blog is ALL about the sex… but the thing is, this story relates to sex, I promise (and to relationships.)
When I was dating my ex-husband, we were both intentionally living our life in a way that had god somewhere. We tried out churches looking for that community. Honestly, neither of us had many friends (I had more than him, at least for a while), and I think we also thought a church might be a way to meet other “nice” people. Anyway- I had known about the Five Love Languages for years, having grown up in an evangelical home. But my ex had never heard of the whole idea. I did my best to describe it, and he took the online test, and it turned out our love languages are very compatible. Thank goodness because I am 100% sure that made our messy, complicated life easier than it could have been. Eventually, we got the couple’s devotional version. Every few nights, while we hung out in the evening, we read the book together and had some really beneficial conversations about our relationship and ourselves.
Look, I know there are people out there who love the whole idea and others who think it is just all kind of bullshit- especially because the whole concept was created by this evangelical psychologist who basically made a fortune selling the hell out of the franchise. But for me, it has always been a really great place to start to understand my friends, my lovers, my partners, well, just everyone. I know there are probably more than five love languages, and even within those, there are so many variables. It just becomes such a great jump-off point for conversations and learning more about the people you care about, and I almost always discover something new about myself in the process too.
And THAT brings us to the reason I am writing this post. I was having a lovely discussion with a new amor of mine- Rafa. He seems like he is going to be this quiet, soft-spoken man, and he is, but there is also this- magnetism- about him. We were about halfway through our gin tonics and chicken wings on our first date, and I knew he would be coming home with me, and I was tingly all over in anticipation.
We had some pretty amazing sex that afternoon. The kind of sex that not only messes up your bed and your room but the hallway and the bathroom too. The kind of sex that makes you strip the bed as soon as you can breathe again because there is no dry place to lay together and come down from that amazing high. Sadly, due to the distance between our homes and his busy schedule (it’s not easy to work and go to school in the evenings), we haven’t seen each other again in the last five weeks. But we chat every day for a bit. I like that. I don’t know what this relationship will look like yet, but likely it’ll be a more casual friends-with-benefits thing, again, distance and time. But I think we’ll be good friends, and we already know the chemistry is off the hook, and neither of us wants to give up the opportunity to have that connection together occasionally.
So today, we were chatting about sexual things we like. He had told me about another sexy lunch date he had yesterday, and something he said made me think, hmmm, we should talk about that. So we did. If you have never had a “random text conversation” with your lover about things that turn you on, you so should. I am still all warm and turned on hours later. I truly wish he lived closer this evening! (I am having a similar style ongoing conversation with Stefan (the Sex Scientist) too, but he lives in Germany, so that hot and bothered me is going to have to wait until this summer to be satisfied. Hopefully, it won’t be that long for Rafa and me.)
As we were texting, I told him that I lean submissive. (He had already noticed that, not only in our amazing sex adventure but also in a few little things I did during lunch. Who knew?!) I also know he leans toward Dom. There is already a fit for us. I already feel comfortable with him. (If you had done the things I did with him on our first date, you would too!) He’s easy to talk to. As we discussed further, I just jumped in and told him specifically some things that I have only really ever implied or asked for at the moment but never have come out upfront and said- I like this. THIS is what would very much turn me the fuck on.
I am not so much submissive (I am uncomfortable “taking orders,” and I don’t get out of my head enough to not feel awkward and giggly like it’s some kind of role-play instead of a hot sexy thing in those kinds of proscribed scenes.) However, I like to feel dominated. Make me do things to you. Make me let you do things to me. Rough me up a bit, spanking (Spanking is one of the only things I could totally “scene.” Throw me over your knee and spank the hell out of my ass.) Some of the things I find hottest are those that are done TO me. Things often considered dirty or taboo (fisting and anal sex, anyone?) Which feeds right into probably my biggest kink. I have a very strong humiliation kink.
FUUUCK. Call me your little slut. Call me a dirty whore who is good only as a hole for you to fill. Pull my hair. Pinch my nipples, all of that. (I do love good rough hard sex!) But those damn words. Use your words against me, and I will fall at your feet and do anything you want- or even better, let you do all kinds of dirty, delicious things to me. I am getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
Some of my favorite porn categories are lesbian humiliation, forced kissing, and face-fucking. You get the idea. The problem is, most of these porn videos don’t have enough WORDS for me. I want to hear the name-calling, the humiliation. That would be an even bigger turn-on!
So, now you are with me on the hot sexy stuff, but you look back up to the beginning of this post, and you are so confused. (Am I right?) What if I told you my primary love languages are Quality Time and Words [of Affirmation]? Would you be connecting the dots here? I only connected the dots myself about three hours ago! Holy Crap!
I need my love people to TELL me they love me. I love it when they tell me how much they appreciate me, how beautiful I am to them, and when they use the actual words, I love you. Talk to me. I’ll know you love me. Please sit around on the couch with me, talking for hours. WHOA, Hello! (I mean, BOTH my love languages all in one long afternoon? Hell, yes!) It’s how I make a connection, how I know I am attracted to you. I need to have a fun, intelligent, coherent conversation with someone before I’d ever consider fucking them. I need those words!!
See- WORDS. I was shocked to realize that for my sex life, I need words too. And as you can see above, it’s not those quiet, loving, sweet words, but it’s those dirty nasty, humiliating ones. Fuck. It’s when you pull my hair, bring my neck back towards you, and whisper in my ear, “You are such a nasty little slut,” with a growl in your voice. You could almost make me come from your words in a dark bar booth if you were talking to me like that. (You’d probably get me to spread my legs so you could put your fingers in my wet cunt right there under the table if it meant you’d tell me what a slut I was for letting you do it.) FUCK. Lay me on my stomach, push yourself into my ass, anger fuck me, the whole time saying, “Que rico, mi amor.” (Damn- I need to wrap this up and take a long hot bath now! It does not help that it has been five weeks since I have had sex, and I am horny as hell.)
This was my revelation today. This revelation would never have happened if I hadn’t been willing to open up with my lover- Rafa. I let myself be vulnerable with him and assumed goodwill. I trusted he would not “Yuck on my Yum” when I told him this “deep dark secret” of mine. I am going to have an incredible time with him when we finally meet again because we now know so much more about what “does it” for each other. We can go into our next date with plans and ideas. With the knowledge of where to go and where not to go.
You have no idea how far I’ve come to be able to have this kind of conversation with my lovers. Check this story out to see how it went the very first time I talked to anyone (Stefan) about sex more openly and honestly than we were ever taught to talk about sex growing up.
I Talked About Sex With My Lover, and Didn’t Die!
Do you have a kink or something you really enjoy but are embarrassed about or uncomfortable talking about to your lovers? Have you ever opened up and discussed your sexual needs and desires? How did it go?
Some other posts you might like: (They showcase some of the things I posted about above.)
The High-Five Finish- A Sex Scientist Story