What is my turn on?
I love doing the Erotic Journal Challenge. It makes me think about things and put words to things I might not otherwise write about. It also provides some very interesting reading when others write about each week’s topic as well. I am so happy to finally be able to participate again in the challenge this week.
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The List V.1 – What Am I Looking For?
When I was a younger woman I would have said, a great smile, nice teeth, and boots. Definitely boots. We used to walk around a club (it was the early 90’s) looking down and when we saw the kind of boots we liked, we’d look up and check out if the guy fit our style too. I liked the big tall guys. And by big, I mean guys who shopped in the big and tall section of the store, with beefy arms and bald heads. I thought I needed to be with a man who was bigger than me. I was always a tall girl and then I was also a very big girl. It seemed important to date men who could compare with me size wise.
Once, when I was a young woman, my mom told my BFF and me that if we wanted to marry the man of our dreams, we had to identify the qualities we needed in a husband. Sounds like good advice to me! She had us write a list of what we wanted in our dream guy. She told us to be very specific. Her reasoning was that if we weren’t, we might meet a man who was perfect in every way but who is 4 foot tall! LOL (Tragedy for two women who are about 6 foot!) My list included things like; Wants kids (twins). Can provide for a family. Kind. Honest. Can say no to me when I need it, but not all the time. Stronger than me. Tall. Dark. Handsome.
Flash forward 20 years. I look back and realize that in those days, I wasn’t even really thinking about what turns me on. I was thinking more about the big picture. Relationships. Pair bonding. Lifelong monogamous commitments. Some of these things cross over. I mean who isn’t turned on by a big open beautiful smile looking right at you from the face of an honest kind person? But if I am talking about being turned on sexually, that is a whole other can of worms.
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The List V.2- What Turns Me On?
I think my mom had the right idea. I mean, she would be mortified if I applied her list idea to things that I love in bed, but why not? If you know what you want and like, and can be very specific, aren’t you more likely to GET what you want from a relationship or a sexual encounter? (Though, today I might skip the praying for these sexually specific qualities- you know- lightning all!)
If I were to make a list today of things that turn me on. Things that I really want from a sexual partner in order to kind of, tick all the boxes, my list would look something like this.
Brains: Seriously. If you can’t carry on an intelligent conversation with me, I am not going to be interested in you and you’re definitely not going to get in my pants. Engage your brain, engage mine. This is going to be one hot ride!
Sense of humor: Make me laugh, my bra might just slip off. Seriously! You never know when I am going to snort the loudest goofiest laugh and scare the pets, so you should be prepared. I love to laugh, I think it’s sexy to laugh together. I also don’t think that sex needs to be so serious. Laughing in bed, enjoying each other’s company while enjoying each other’s body? This is a serious turn on!
Honesty: This quality is still on my list. But today I would clarify that this must include being able to communicate clearly in an open, honest, and sensitive manner. A partner who can express their feelings and hear mine? That is so hot.
Body Positivity: I am so turned on when someone loves their own body as much as they love mine. I love to see you enjoy your body and not be ashamed to walk around naked in front of me. When I was dating William, I found him so incredibly sexy, I liked to just lay on the bed and watch him walk to and fro across the room. And bless his sweet gorgeous ass, he loved to prance around naked for me, because he knew I found him incredibly sexy! Stefan has always had the rule, “Always naked in the flat.” This complete lack of concern about what other people think of his body, his utter confidence in being naked, is so damn hot!
Creativity: Now everyone gets in a sexual rut once in a while. When I was married, there was a time when sex had to be requested ahead of time and the bed was always made up the same way. A body pillow along the side of the bed for my ass, one for my head, and the chair positioned so he could sit and comfortably go down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, knowing I would almost always be able to come from really great oral sex was fun, but there wasn’t much creativity in our sex life otherwise.
Now that I have experienced kinky sex, it’s kind of hard to be turned on by the thought of “normal vanilla’ sex for long periods of time. A partner who can be creative, even if they are not especially kinky is definitely a turn on. I wouldn’t necessarily call my sex with Stefan kinky, but it was certainly NOT vanilla and it was always creative!
Know what they want: I know what I want. I find it incredibly thrilling when you know what you want too! A partner who can express their desires, can ask for what they need in bed? So sexy! Being able to talk openly about needs and desires, techniques, limits, etc., is one of the best things about being in a sexual relationship. (I think some of this goes back to the whole MIND/Brains of the thing!)
Skill: Now don’t get me wrong. I am not good at everything nor do I expect that from a partner. But a man who can put me over his knee and spank me just right without faltering is gonna get my juices flowing right away! With skill comes confidence. Confidence is damn sexy.
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Now this list is obviously lacking in physical features or characteristics. Don’t get me wrong, I love a hot babe or a handsome man as much as the next and a gorgeous smile could stop me in my tracks. I also definitely have a type. It’s just that physical attractiveness is not the most important thing.
When I lived in Germany, it was almost humorous how similar Benjamin, Stefan, Carson, and William looked. My tall, lean, sandy reddish-haired, Northern Europeans. I was scrolling through my Tinder matches here in Medellin with my BFF. After about three she started to laugh, “Yep. You SO have a type!” Apparently, my type of Colombian is thin, tattooed, bearded, with dark hair.
I don’t usually choose the men in my life specifically for their looks being “on type.” But if you are on Tinder and looks are all you have to go by, you have to start somewhere. But all the other things on this list? They are the things that keep me interested. They are the things that get me all hot and bothered and ensure I will come back for more. They are the things that turn me on.
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This and other really thoughtful entries about what turns people on can be found here!
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Check out the lovely filth for this week’s theme over at Masturbation Monday too!! 
I agree with all of this.. Confidence is key! The skill..communication. I couldn’t have expressed this better!! So spot on!!
Thanks for reading and the comment!
Its always good to read about how others have learned and grown – though that part about when you were married sounds worryingly familiar!
Oh Mike! Once you are aware of things, that’s when we can make changes, eh?
It’s important to know what we want and surprising how many people don’t! I remember making lists like the one you did when you were young…the things I thought I wanted in a man. I was right about my type, even back then, though things have definitely expanded and the reasons for them have, too. I now know why I wanted a man like that.
I still use this list strategy today, to figure out what I want and then explore why. Just today, I did it with my fears about poly, and then came up with reasons for those fears and solutions. I then considered what I would want or need from a poly relationship, even if I am the mono wife at home who is not involved.
I share many of your turn-ons, btw. A big, open smile is one of my biggest.
Yeah I have always been a list maker, like my dad that way! It definitely helps! I am loving watching you explore your feelings about poly- thanks for always being so open about your thoughts and fears. it is really vulnerable and amazing. Thanks!!
I never noticed I had a type until I was older – when I was young I went for the type I thought I should go for – but as I got older I realised that type actually did nothing for me lol – the thing was the type that do work for me are a little bit “out there alone” and that can be difficult x
Yeah it’s funny to have a type. After I decided to really just like who I liked, not the big guys because I was a big girl… and realized that also meant I had to accept my body for what it is and also accept that men who were not “the big guys” could really like me… geesh that was exhausting! LOL BUT now I have lovely relationships with the right kinds of people so… guess it was worth it!
I came thisclose to rejecting JB because he didn’t fit the type of guy I thought I wanted in a physical way (I’ve always been drawn to the guys who were bigger than me, too). But thankfully I focused on everything else that made him amazing (all of which is in your list) and did away with the idea of a specific physical type of person for myself.
I am glad you found that focus too… you guys are too adorable together! It’s great how we grow and change and learn and how it really helps us, in the long run, to do so!