7 Things People Don’t Talk Enough About When it Comes to Anal Sex
After almost two years with very few sexy times in the “back,” I am finally back in Berlin (see what I did there?!) where my partner and I share not only a non-traditional relationship but a pretty non-traditional sex life too. Until this week, I couldn’t remember the last time we had “penis in vagina” (PIV) sex. (And to be honest, this time was kind of an accident, but once he was in there, we enjoyed the moment.) Our kink, if you will is fisting, toys, and anal. Oh, how I’d missed anal sex. What I had kind of forgotten about, in my daydreaming of all the fun I wasn’t having, was all the things that come along with anal sex. The stuff no one really talks about.
There are so many great resources about anal sex out there on the interwebs. At the bottom of this post, I’ve linked a few helpful resources, some “how to” information, and other goodies that you can check out. But what most posts about anal tell you, in my mind never goes far enough to help you be truly prepared. As I recovered from my last encounter with Stefan, I started to think about all the things that I would tell someone about anal sex.
Everything you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask!
1- There Will be Poo!
This being your ass we’re talking about, there WILL be poo. I mean most posts I read mention it, but it tends to be a “well a small mess might possibly happen, but don’t panic…” They are right- there is absolutely nothing to panic about, but there is almost no way to avoid at least SOME poo, and in many cases, quite a bit of it.
Of course, your actual experiences will vary. It could depend on the day, time of day, what you ate or drank, the things you do, the size(s) of the thing(s) you stuff in there, or even the viscosity of the lube you use (you WILL use lube!) But there will be a mess. Do not attempt anal sex with a partner who cannot handle “poo” or messy sexy times. You might want to have a frank discussion with a partner who already runs to wash off any evidence of sexual activity as soon as it is over, about the mess factor before proceeding.
Stefan and I always have a “sex towel” laid out on the couch/bed as part of getting ready (foreplay is weird in our house! LOL) and he usually grabs a damp face cloth or hand towel for quick wiping up during play. We have been known to take a break so I could hop in the shower and we could start again with a “fresh slate.” The thing is, stay relaxed, have fun, don’t panic. It’s Just Poo!
2- Push Out
It seems counterintuitive, but one of the best tips anyone ever gave me, was don’t be afraid to push out when whatever is being pushed in. You don’t have to push hard (see number 1 above!) but if you contract your muscles, it tends to help the process along.
This works no matter the size of the item making an entry. It works with cocks as well as fists. One of the few times Stefan and I made some attempts at anal fisting, I distinctly remember my body wanting to push out, almost like I was making a strong BM. When I told him this (did I mention anal can often require a lot of actual logistical communication, not just moans of pleasure? No? That will be number 3!) He slowly rubbed my ass cheeks, told me to relax into it, and to push out if pushing is what felt natural.
3- Communication is Key
I can’t tell you how many times Stefan has said to me, “I don’t know what ‘ooh ohh fuck’ means!” Sometimes when you are in tune with your sexual partner, a small moan here, a sucking of your teeth there can say everything. They just know. But in anal, because of the potential for pain/discomfort, because it’s not a self-lubricating body part, because of so many things, you are going to have to use actual words to help your partner help you.
Words like STOP! TOO FAR! OUT OUT!! Are often the words I use at first! Then they transition into- OK! That works! Yes, there! Soon, the words become MORE! HARDER! YES! It’s a process you see!
As I mentioned above, even talking about feeling like you need to push out is helpful communication to create a successful playtime. In our case, one time we were struggling a bit getting things going, and I finally just told him, “All I want to do is push out!” (I HAD pushed him out more than once at that point.) We took a break. I took a HOT shower and sat on the toilet for a little while, letting all my muscles relax a bit before we started up again. (Have patience, this might not be one continuous sexy moment, you might need to take breaks and care for yourself or one another. It’s all about connecting with your lover in the end of the day!)
4- Understand Pain vs Discomfort
One of the myths of anal sex is that it always hurts. Most good advice reminds you this is not always true, but to be aware of pain as it is your body giving you an important message. Another sex blogger friend of mine @mpbjulie reminded me of another good measure to keep in mind, you may experience discomfort and that is not necessarily pain.
The National Library of Medicine says “Discomfort can be physical or psychological and is characterized by an unpleasant feeling resulting in a natural response of avoidance or reduction of the source of the discomfort. Pain is one of the causes for discomfort, but not every discomfort can be attributed to pain.”
Pain is intense. Pain changes the way you behave. Pain gets worse the more you continue to try and push through it. Adjectives you use to describe pain may include sharp, stabbing, and shooting.
For many people, the feeling of discomfort (or even pain if that’s your thing) is one of the things they enjoy about anal sex. There is often a feeling of being stretched or filled beyond what you would normally experience in PIV sex and that is part of the pleasure. The deeper or faster you go those sensations and potential discomforts may vary. Be prepared to communicate how it is going for you and work with your partner to make adjustments at every stage of play.
There have been times when no matter how many fingers he started with when he switched to a bigger toy or his cock on me, I experienced a sharp pain! That’s usually the time when those “OUT OUT OUT” words are used! However, slowly adjusting, adding more lube (adding more lube is always a good idea in anal), or changing the angle slightly can help make it so it doesn’t happen again.
5- Sometimes There is Blood
Read all the advice posts I have linked at the end. Follow all the good practices. Do all the right things. In the end, there could still be blood. You are pushing a large item into a small hole. A hole made of delicate human tissue and blood vessels etc. Sometimes you are going to bleed, a least a little.
Your partner should never be so caught up in their own sensations as to not notice if you are bleeding. If there is a lot of blood, stop immediately and seek medical attention. (If you have hemorrhoids, you are more likely to bleed, so be careful of that as well.) WebMD mentions blood as a risk of anal sex and recommends seeking medical attention if bleeding.
I almost always have a small amount of blood when I wipe for at least a few hours after. Even though it has happened to me almost every single time I have had anal sex, I still get a bit paranoid and really keep an eye on it to make sure it stops sometime in the next day or I would get worried.
6- Your Bowel Will be Impacted
As I mentioned in number one- this is your ass we are talking about. Things tend to be a little “different” in how you poo, sometimes for up to a few days after. You could have constipation, or diarrhea, or even both. Sometimes you feel like you have to poo every hour on the hour! It could be difficult to go because of discomfort and soreness of muscles, or it could feel like you are leaking out, especially immediately after. (Again, your actual experiences may vary.)
Sometimes immediately after, I feel the need to sit on the toilet and allow my muscles to relax again. Sometimes, I feel the need to expel anything that might still be in there. If that is what happens immediately after, be prepared for it to be mixed with lube and potentially semen and not be your usual “consistency.” That’s pretty normal.
Recently, after a pretty vigorous play session with a rather large dildo, I hobbled to the bathroom complaining, “It takes me a week to recover from our dates!” (I wasn’t really complaining!) But the point is real, it can be a few days of weird bowel situations before I feel like I am recovered from one evening of anal fun.
One of my sex blogger friends @KaylaLords recounted this experience: “I think I was shocked by how “gassy” I was later because of all the air that got moved around in all the back and forth with toys or body parts, LOL. It wasn’t really “gas” — more like a butt queef, but when you’re not expecting it, it’s definitely eye-brow raising.” Ah yes- the butt queef is real- both during the actual sex and after!
Another friend who was new to anal told me after one of his first play sessions, “My asshole just feels raw. I can feel it when I walk!” I mean, I feel you man!
Also, you should be aware- your risk of UTI increases. When you start moving around a bacteria-laden area you are bound to get bacteria where you might not usually get it. This means, of course, follow the usual guidelines about not going from your anus to your vagina with anything, fingers, cocks, toys, nada. But it also means you should know your body and allow that to help you assess your risk. (This is less of a risk if both partners are penis owners but from what I read, it could still be a risk.)
7- It Gets in Your Head
I personally find anal sex to be a very intense kind of connecting with my partner. It’s not something I necessarily want to experience with everyone. There is a very heady kind of intensity that can really add to the experience, but if it was not with the right partner, it would really be too much. I find I lose myself in the feeling of being “used” in this way. I love knowing that this is where he is finally going to come, taking me in a way that is often considered taboo or dirty, finding completion to his pleasure in my body, in that way. If I ever experience a kind of “zen” or “drop” when having sex, it is almost always during and immediately after anal sex.
Even if those aren’t your reasons, (and they aren’t mine with every partner, mostly just with him) there is an added level of intimacy most people experience when sharing anal sex with their partner. The extra talking, more detailed communicating, different sensations and experiences. No one really talks about how much that can get in your head and stick.
So, there we have it. A very personal list, but some things just have to be discussed frankly and honestly. Anal sex, I believe, is one of them. A few things you will probably read in the links that follow and all good anal sex advice articles, but worth repeating include:
- Wash gently before and after with a mild soap
- Lube, lube, lube, and when you think you have enough lube, use more lube
- Start small and work your way up to bigger things, no matter how experienced you are, your body needs time to “get there”
- Go slow, have fun, take breaks as needed
- Did I mention lube?
- Always use a toy with a wide flared base (I don’t think those little jewel ones have enough “flare” personally- even if they are cute)
If you want to learn more, I have linked some really good posts with advice about anal sex below.
Preparing for Anal Play- What are Your Hygiene Options (Side note- I’m not an affiliate- but I have three different anal toys made by Godemiche that I just love! My partners have enjoyed them too!)
Butt Plug Accidents– Exactly what it sounds like- be careful out there and use a toy with a nice wide flared base!
Anal and Acceptance – A personal journey of how one woman learned to enjoy anal sex
If you’d like to read some really explicit hot stories about Stefan and me: Check out the Sex Scientist Files.